church

sanctuary
Originally uploaded by dandelion seeds

I probably lost half of you with that title. Before I go further, let me just go on record as saying that this post is about my own spiritual journey and not meant to judge or persuade yours. My general philosophy on spirituality and religion is if it works for you-whether you be buddhist or agnostic, catholic or pagan-then I respect and appreciate that. All I would ask is the same in return.

Anyway. Church. It is-or was-a loaded word for me. I grew up southern baptist and roman catholic (if you can imagine) and by the time I was in high school, had decided that neither of those were for me. I didn't feel connected to god, in fact had become pretty disenfranchised with god, and felt that the whole point of the spiritual traditions were to judge and control.

So once I went to college, I pretty much forgot about church and about god unless I was in a bind and promising god that if he got me out of this mess, I wouldn't do it again. Funny how I could deny divine existence until I needed something huh?

Then I got divorced at 23 and my whole word collapsed under me. I started searching for something, anything, to make sense and bring some peace to a horribly painful and scary situation. The traditions of my youth didn't call to me and I started exploring other spiritualities. Buddhism was the first. And it made sense to me, brought me some relief and prompted more questions. I became addicted to philosophies. If buddhists think this was, what do hindu's think? What about episcopalians? Unitarians? Quakers?

That journey went on for about 5 years as I kept searching for that ping in my chest that said this was it. But the search, really, was very on the surface. It was about gaining knowledge from books and the internet but there was fear to dive deeper and experience. As much as I wanted the ping-craved it-I was afraid to trust.

Then one day about four years ago, I was visiting a friend of mine in Tulsa for the weekend. She and her boyfriend at the time were looking for a church they could attend together and asked if I wanted to tag along. The church was one their dance instructor attended and we all thought she must mean Unitarian as none of us had ever heard of Unity.

I liked that it seemed very open and loving and that while they were talking about the bible and jesus, they weren't talking about it in a way that I had ever heard (Unity in general believes in taking the bible at a metaphysical and allegorical level and relating it to our individual journey and that Jesus was a wayshower. One of the wayshowers-as was buddha, mohammed, etc). But really, no lighting bolts.

Then they brought out the children from children's church and lined them up on the stage. Every person in the congregation held their hands out to the kids and as a body said, 'we love you, we bless you and we truly appreciate you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.'

I started to cry.

hard.

And I realized what I had been looking for-from anyone really but from spiritual body in particular-was that kind of acceptance. That was what I was trying to fulfill-just someone telling me it was okay to be me. Not we love you but really you should fix this and not do that. And stop asking us questions.

I found a church and started attending sporadically. I felt the pings. But I had been hurt and felt abandoned by those within spiritual organizations before and those feelings didn't just go away. I was looking for a reason not to go to church-to find hypocrisy, to be disappointed. And I had a MAJOR hang up with being at a 'church'. That word had taken on a negative connotation for me and for years I had made being anti-establishment part of my identity. Going there and committing would mean admitting being wrong and giving up part of my identity. So I kicked at it alot-this church. Which means I kicked at people alot-well meaning, loving people even when I wasn't. I pushed back, I challenged, I wasn't easy to deal with. I was doing the whole push them away before I get pushed away (or disappointed, or hurt).

I don't know what changed-and it took YEARS to happen- but somewhere along the way I made peace with the fact that no matter how hard I pushed or rationalized, I had found a community. A home. What I realized is that any institution, from a church to schools to our government is made of ordinary human beings. Claiming that THE CHURCH (or school or government) commits some crime or insult against a person or community or society negates our very humanity by not attributing actions to the people within an organization. My anger and hurt hadn't been with a church all those years, it had been with the people who hurt me (and here I am talking about anger regarding specific events-not theological differences). The fact that they happened to go to the same church I went to at the time was about as relevant as someone going to the same high school as me.

Which is not to say that every organization is going to be right for everyone. Or that there can't be a bunch of effed up people within one that affects the whole. We all know this.

So why am I writing this?? Because some of you may have noticed, I have been celebrating being ALIVE lately. And I feel alive in my spiritual community. I feel accepted and excited about what the future will hold. I am part of something by being PART of something-putting feet to the feelings-and that is truly an amazing thing.

My new senior minister had her first talk yesterday and she is ALIVE. She reminded me that I have that joy within me, that spirit. She talked about creating a vibrant spiritual community. She said that part of that was a building filled with people that were excited to be there. And if they weren't, maybe it's time to ask the question why. Or to find the place that does give them excitement and allows their aliveness to shine through.

what brings you excitement? What makes you feel alive?? Maybe it's time to find out...

*namaste*